Sponsored by Babies ‘R Us: the retailer with over 10,000 products to ensure your child’s absolute safety.  BRU is on a dedicated mission to eradicate “bruise”, “scab”, and “childhood” from dictionaries everywhere!!  

Toddler learning to walk?  Get a helmet!  BRU is sure to please the discerning parent who wants to protect their baby from any trips while learning to walk.  Have a corner in your home?  Pad it!  Have a floor?  Pad it!  Have a wall?  Pad it – only after you’ve secured all electrical cords, plugged the outlets, moved everything up to a six foot height, and gated every 4 to 6 feet, depending on your needs!  And all available NOW for purchase at Babies!  R!  Us!!

And also brought to you by your local media, as we affectionately call them, “Fearmongering ‘R Us”!!  Ensuring that every parent is truly convinced a child molester is waiting outside behind their bushes RIGHT NOW!

 

What is the PARANOIA PILL?

Why, it will guarantee every mother everywhere knows all the horrific dangers of today’s world; it will override the mere fact that crime against children is down since the 70’s and force mothers to walk their 15 year olds to school – for the whole long 2 blocks!  You KNOW you can’t let them out of your sight, ladies!  It will make sure mothers don’t know that only an infinitesimal amount of children are taken by strangers every year, hardly a statistic, but will make sure you race out to get the GPS system imbedded in their necks or arses – after all, if it’s good enough for your dog**, it’s good enough for your child!!  It will make sure that you never find out the truth about those dangerous vaccines!!!  After all, the media never lies!

**Bonus offer; with the purchase of two bottles of our PARANOIA PILLS, we’ll include a child leash so that your child can’t wander off in the local grocery store or state park!  We simply must make them heel, sit, and roll over, we can’t let them more than 5 feet from the safety of our personal space where we can guarantee their absolute protection, ladies!

 The PARANOIA PILL will also ensure you whole-heartedly agree with your local school district – children should NOT be able to play and run at recess!  What a ridiculous endeavor that would be – we can’t have them tripping and falling!  We know obesity is at a high, but hey, they make a pill for everything!!!  STOP those children from playing dodgeball and tag!  Stop them from running!  It’s getting out of control!

But wait!  That’s not all!  Your local pediatrician and the AAP, under the advice of the CDC and the poor, nearly-broke Pharmaceutical Companies (we really need to rally together to help these drug companies – they’re virtually going bankrupt, they’re making such little money!), have partnered to scare the pants off of every mother when it comes to childhood diseases!  Our PARANOIA PILL will ensure that you, the mother, know that germs are simply EVERYWHERE… your child needs gloves and a face mask (and Babies ‘R Us is happy to offer these products to you, our loyal consumers!) in order to survive the poisons of day-to-day living!!  Our PARANOIA PILL will cover up the fact that diseases were eradicated (or on their way to being naturally eradicated) long before the poor Pharmaceutical Companies discovered they could sell vaccinations full of mysterious ingredients as long as they promised it would CURE everything!!  With No Questions Asked!!   Think Vitamin D, breastmilk, and natural herbs work to help boost immunity and keep your child healthy?  Our PARANOIA PILLS will convince you otherwise!  Wipe down those grocery seats; don’t sit at restaurant tables without your own mats!  We relish the fact that superbugs get created every year – this proves our PARANOIA PILL is a success!  Child sniffles?  Get an antibiotic!  Child coughs??  Quick!  Penicillin!  Child farts???  Race to the emergency room as fast as you can and get that Amoxicillin!  You can’t do too much to protect your child!  Why Take a Chance???

Carseats until they’re 12!  Bed rails until they’re 8!  Kneepads for crawling!!  “Make my Baby Smart” DVD’s!  “Babykeepers”!  Prenatal Classical Music!  Pee Pee TeePees!  Wipe Warmers!!  Sterilization equipment!!   You really can’t buy enough or spend enough to help your child!

Currently, the makers of the PARANOIA PILL are working with the inventors of Child in a Bubble – parents will soon be able to create a whole room in their home where they will be able to confine their children, so you can be sure your child is protected against the dangers of today’s world!!  No nasty germ or dangerous stranger can infiltrate your home.  Or can they?   Check back often for the release of Child in a Bubble!!   Discounts available if purchased with a Panic Room; that door-to-door salesman is really a murderer wanting to rape and kill your family!!!  Don’t Trust Anyone!

But Wait!  That’s not all!

Since a stranger certainly CAN infiltrate your home, the makers of the PARANOIA PILL are working with the inventors of the Perimeter Moat System!!  We can’t wait for the release of that service, can we???  

 

Sign up for our email newsletter for notifications and discounts on the soon-to-be-released Child in a Bubble and Perimeter Moat!  You’ll be the ENVY of the neighborhood!!