with not ever having any more babies.

Hubby and I are both 41.  He’s done, he said.  He asked me if it was okay that he’s done, and what am I to say but sure? 

He said he wants to have some peace in his life in his “old age”.  I don’t.  I mean, our lives are only halfway over.  Our youngest will be “out of the house” when we’re only 60.  That still gives us a good 20+ years, God willing, to do… what?  Travel?  I’m not interested in traveling the world.  Relax?  That will kill me sooner than old age will.  What?  What to do with the last 20-30 years of my life?

I’m sure I’ll have grandchildren, again God willing.  And that’s great when they visit.  I’ll have chaos and noise and cook for lots of people, blah blah blah.  But then they leave.  And then what?  Silence.  Boredom.

Do I want to be a Walmart Greeter when I’m 65 just to have something to do?  Not really.  Will I just sit around and watch movies, play online poker, blog, and sleep?  Woo hoo, I’m getting my party hat out.

I have no medical reason not to have more children – my pregnancies and childbirths are fantastic.

And also, I truly regret not having my babies at home.  I really want to experience a home birth.  I don’t want a doctor near me.  I mean, my other labors were great – no intervention, natural, beautiful perfect labors.  But I want to be here, where it’s natural and normal and SHOULD be.  I want to experience a home birth.  More than one, if I could blow out the candles and make any wish I wanted.

I don’t want to be done.  I don’t feel like my family is complete yet.   And this makes me very sad.